Learning to stay calm while your child is having a meltdown is both challenging and essential. Self-regulation is key– we can’t co-regulate with our children unless we are in control of ourselves.

It was clear from the beginning that Lily is a person who feels things deeply and reacts to stress with the same intensity. As she grew from baby to toddler, it also became clear that my own reactions to stress were more intense than expected.

Honestly, there have been many times when I completely lost my shit. I have one child with intense, strong reactions and another who is often unable to protect herself.

All parents worry about the long-term effects of less-than-perfect parenting moments, but I know that the difference in the parenting skills that I practice and the traditional, authoritative approach is the REPAIR. It is showing my child that I can be vulnerable and opening the door to connection.

After the storm of a meltdown has passed, there is a proverbial rainbow. There is the moment where my sweet child snuggles in my lap and we both feel so. many. things. about what just happened.

In this moment, I make the choice to admit that I am not perfect; we all make mistakes; I am sorry for how I reacted.

She feels disappointed in herself and afraid that her actions make her unlovable. There is nothing more heartbreaking than holding my child and knowing that she is afraid of being too much.

I say, “Lily, Mommy and Daddy love you no matter what. There is nothing you can do or say that will change how much we love you or how proud of you we are.”

I say it again and again because we only remember what is repeated– the same way we only remember regulation skills when we practice them.

Skills like taking an intentional pause before reacting or breathing deeply. We can increase empathy by imagining the feelings of physical distress our child is experiencing. Creating a parental reminder to habitually repeat can help pull us from an emotional to a grounded response, much like remembering the developmental limitations of our child can.

And when all else fails, fake it ’til you make it. The more we practice, the more natural these skills become.